Joy

I am completely and utterly overflowing with peace, joy, awe, so much so that it seems "overwhelming" at times...in the best way of course. The sun seems to be a little brighter, the world more illumined with it's light, its colors more vibrant, and its smells more sweet.

I can't help but feel that these feelings are completely a reflection on the immature state of my soul, and the more I experience this extreme happiness and thankfulness, the more I can't help but see this image of a child crying over a special something that they really, really want, and even think they need, while the parent(s) sit back in their infinite greatness, with the knowledge that "no, that's really not what you "need" right now"...and then somewhere in the middle of a screaming flailing tantrum, they change their minds and give in. I feel this to completely be the case...and I honestly feel like I let a little part of myself down. The smarter, more humble and patient part of course (though tiny it is). It makes me feel like I've ruined this beautiful painting that God was trying to paint for me, for us. The painting of course, being the suffering that has enveloped the last two years, and I feel like, had I accepted it and endeavored to learn more from it, this blessing could have come with a lot less guilt attached.

Christmas time really brought about a little bit of a change for the better in me, if I may say so. I remember feeling so miserable that I wasn't even able to enjoy the Christmas season. How terrible! I remember thinking that, God, knowing my selfish, "take everything for granted" personality, knew that the only way for me to be able to truly be thankful for pregnancy, and children, was to show me the other side, and to have me live through it.  Most of the time I wasn't too happy about that. At all. I am thankful though. Thankful for the experience, and thankful that it is over (hopefully). So thankful. But completely still feel utterly and totally undeserving....