I've hit the half way point this week (unless baby Ham wants an extra week or two, which is fine :) and I'm feeling a bit...I don't know, a bit of everything. A bit (actually a lot!) of excitement (I am SO excited that I get to DO THIS, that I get to partake in something I thought I'd be alienated from, in something so empowering and beautiful and life changing. I feel so blessed and am so thankful...it's going to be really hard, but really, really amazing and rewarding), a bit of apprehension and a bit of needing to know that we have a plan, that it's all going to fall into place and be okay, and be a positive, empowering, and peaceful birth experience for me and baby H. I want to feel safe and secure and comfortable. I really want to be left alone, with dim lights and soft sounds and sweet smells. I've been thinking a lot about homebirth vs. hospital birth actually, to me they both have pros and cons, and I think I could be excited about either, though I'm not sure our families would be so enthusiastic, at all.
I really like the idea of having a birth plan that's actually respected, of birthing in a comforting, familiar, secluded, intimate, and peaceful environment, of being in water, not having bright lights in my face and loud voices and noises, of reaching for my baby as it's being born and pulling towards my chest and having it not leave there until I'm good and ready for it to, after we've nursed and bonded and whatever else you do, of having Thomas play a more active role in the labor and birth, of being in a healthier environment, of not being bombarded by protocol, of being able to be on my own time and have people wait for me and my body instead of being on a schedule and pressured. I am super nervous about getting a crappy nurse and doctor. So nervous actually. Oh yeah, and eating. I really, really, really love the idea of home birth.
But...I think I would love it a lot more if I could be completely assured that everything would go well, that the baby would be born with no complications, that labor would go smoothly, that I wouldn't hemorrhage, etc. I like the idea that there are ventilators and life saving equipment at a hospital too.
I am super torn.
Do I choose to trust in my body's natural ability to birth, believe that it's a normal body process and choose comfort (just comfort? so not the right word, but you get what I mean) over absolute safety, and spend more than our $15 copay? or...
Do I willingly subject myself to an environment that is not at all ideal for my ideas and hopes for a natural and holistic birth, one that is actually against them, but costs less than a dinner for two?
I feel like I should have already had this all figured out, that I'm being last minute and like I don't have a plan. I'm a bit frustrated that I'm having second thoughts and I feel really unprepared.
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I hear you.
ReplyDeleteBut whatever you choose there are no guarantees. Kind of a bummer. I wish our system wasn't so screwed up. If I had to do it all over again though, I would have gone ahead and ticked off my parents (I've had to make a lot of decisions that are the best for my family and me that they don't like) and had a homebirth and avoided being unecessarily scarred for life. But that's hindsight, and at the time, I wan't thinking about any of this stuff.
I have no desire to convince you either way. It is really entirely up to you and your husband - no one else. Midwives are prepared for hemorrage, and have the same drugs for that as the hospital, btw. And a very good, experienced midwife will transfer you to a hospital way before anything gets scary or dangerous. But yeah, the life-saving equip is a big plus at hospitals. And then there's the whole FREE thing. :) Happy agonizing over you baby...It won't be the first or the last time...
Lauren has said a lot of good things. I'm planning my first homebirth now with Baby #3. I've always wanted a homebirth, but I was a little too scared to try it with my first and even my second. Now that I've had two healthy pregnancies, uneventful labors and healthy newborns, I feel more confident giving a homebirth a try. Of course, my previous experiences don't instantly guarantee a flawless birth with my third, but I'm in the hands of trusted, experienced midwives who I know will transfer me asap if anything goes wrong. Really, either way, it's all in God's hands, and I have to be okay with a hospital transfer.
ReplyDeleteIt really is entirely up to you and your husband, though! My midwifery practice offered a free consultation, and that was really great. It helped me get as much information as possible in an easy-going, non-pressured way (and FREE).
I really tried to go the "easy/ cheap" way, though! My first prenatal appt. with #3 was at a clinic just two blocks away. EVERYTHING would have been covered by our insurance. But halfway through my appointment, I was already done with it (for various reasons), and I never returned or gave it a second thought. Then I found my midwifery practice, and I've been so pleased with them!
Birth itself is not comfortable or easy. It's hard work as it is. Feeling comfortable with your prenatal care and birth arrangements IS within your control, though, so don't be afraid to weigh your options. A lot of hospitals have birthing centers or special birth rooms, I think. The options might surprise you! :)
Best of luck!
You've probably already done this, but it's really worth talking with a homebirth midwife about how they handle the stuff that you're worried about. Remember, planned homebirths are not like emergency homebirths; the midwives bring the life-saving equipment with them to your house (or wherever else you want to birth). They are also very good at recognizing when a birth is not appropriate for a homebirth and are not afraid to transfer to a hospital. But it's pretty rare to need that. The chances of a major complication that would be difficult to handle at home are very small, whereas the chances of being pushed into an intervention at the hospital that leads to the need for another intervention (and another...) are, well... guaranteed. So you have to go to the hospital prepared to be assertive and refuse to follow what they think of as "normal." And I don't like the idea of having to birth in that sort of atmosphere, instead of an atmosphere of peace. Also, it's never to late to change your mind about these things. The sooner you figure out what you want to do, the better, since you can spend time preparing and whatnot, but if you get that gut feeling that you need a different practitioner working with you, don't ignore it.
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