Books (and journals!)

I've managed to raid two city libraries of their coolest pregnancy and baby books. I used to have a pretty good stash, but that story's for another day. I love reading about what to expect, and the changes that are going on with the baby ever week. I managed to find some fun (and sweet) journals, you know, for memory keeping :) I'm having a lot of fun with them and have been writing to the baby too (note cute owl journal).

Little things for little people

It's really hard not to buy every cute little baby thing you see in the store, well it's hard for me anyway. I am so stinkin' excited (!!!!!) and can't wait to start nesting and getting everything ready. The only problem is that A) we still have a good 3-4 months before that would be socially appropriate, B) if I start setting things up I'll just have another room to dust, and C) we don't have the slightest clue as to what color baby Ham is going to look best in so that presents a problem, as most of the cute things I find are pink. Some nice friends of ours brought over some darling little booties for the baby, complete with crocheted ears too! I picked up a fun little calendar the other day (they were 50% off!) that's for babys first year. I remember my mom doing one for me and Thomas has one too. It has cute little stickers for milestones and whatnot's. Can't wait to use them!

Graduation day!

In the land of IF (that's slang for infertility) the day you finally return to an appointment with sometihing other than an egg or five, a swollen uterus, or some cysts to look at, is a BIG DEAL. So they/we call it "graduation day", which is just fancy-speak for "we can't keep you as a patient, call your OB, they'll handle it from here." Of course there's lots of celebrating too (and cookies), these people have been really, really close to you for x amount of years, they know ALL about you, and most importantly how badly you desired to see something other than an egg or a cyst. I'll miss them but I'll definitely keep in touch! How about that new diagnosis huh...Who would have thought that amenorrhea (before 50) would be such a happy occasion!

7

Today you're 10,000 times bigger than you were at conception! You are the size of a blueberry and have been generating brain cells like crazy (hopefully you'll make a little extra so you're not such a silly teenager someday)! This week you'll be working on a cute little mouth and toungue. Beter make it a long one baby so you can stick it out at daddy and your uncles...I'm sure they'll appreciate that :) Your arm and leg buds are growing too and soon you'll have elbows, hands, knees, and feet. But today you probably still just have little paddles, but that's okay with me.


I have been feeling more and more pregnant lately, and though I still don't have a belly, I definately notice that you're in there, evidenced by phantom pains, hunger pain too because you won't let me eat much, back aches, and these really weird stretching sensations...my uterus feels like a washing machine on a spin cycle sometimes. I don't know what you're doing in there (probably nothing yet because you're too little), or maybe it's the hormones, but it's definately funny feeling. But I don't mind little one, it's how I know you're still in there! I can't wait until I feel you move...that will be pretty amazing!

6

This week you're the size of a sweet pea little baby! You're working on a cute little jaw, cheeks and a chin! Your ears, nose and eyes are also beginning to form! By the end of the week you'll have a set of kidneys (your final set I think) a little liver and some lungs. Hope that you keep growing and that you like cheese, chicken noodle soup, crackers, and rice krispies! (the cereal, not the treats)

Yes, unfortunately my few days of happy, healthy eating sadly came to an end. I've been poisoned by estrogen and progesterone and my poor tummy really only prefers a very small spectrum of bland foods. "Soup" and I still aren't talking after last weeks thai vomiting episode, except for chicken noodle, we're still cool. I have sadly formed an aversion to my once beloved milk and sweets, but I think it's for the better, the sweet part that is. (Can you believe that?) Asparagus and green beans (some of my only green "friends") haven't been speaking either, though in a few weeks here we're going to have to patch things up. I've come to appreciate apples, water crackers and cheese as my main sources of sustinence. I know I can only continue in my ways for so long, before I'll (or Thomas) have to start force feeding myself. Hopefully things will settle down in there :) (and stay down;)

5 1/2

So I've decided to do weekly pictures :) A friend of Thomas did the same with her pregnancy and I just loved seeing her weekly growth. I had always known that I would take pictures of my growing belly, if I were ever to become pregnant, but I love the idea of blogging them so that all of your distant friends and family! (and perfect strangers) can see how things are growing.

So here it is...5 1/2 week me...and 3 1/2 week old baby Ham. 
You've been been multiplying away in there...Here's a list of things you've done so far (all before I even knew about you!). You've gone from zygote to blastocyst and have traveled several inches from my fallopian tube to my waiting womb. You've picked a cozy spot and implanted yourself (in the right place!) and become an embryo! You've even split in half to make yourself a placenta! You became surrounded by a cozy amniotic sac and you've been busy ordering your specialized layers (and yes I remember the names of all three from A&P!), to well, specialize! All at the size of a poppy seed!


Entering your second month you look more like a tadpole and are now the size of an orange seed with a heart the size of a poppy seed! This week you'll be hard at work making your little heart bigger and more complex and a neural tube too, that will someday be your brain and spinal cord. In fact your circulatory system will be the first system to be up and running! Good luck little baby! We're rooting (and praying!!) for you!

p.s. I know it's silly to put these up so soon, I should really wait a few (way) more weeks when there is actually something to take pictures of, but hey at least I'll have a living testimony to the fact that I once had a waist :)

Overwhelmed

January 18, 2010
This morning we had our first appointment to see the baby. I was so EXCITED. I was a little nervous about maybe not seeing the baby at all, or about them being able to detect a heartbeat, but it paled in comparison to how ridiculously excited I was. Since technically I was still an "infertility" patient, I was seen in my RE's office. They brought us in and I got undressed and Thomas got comfortable on the couch. Through his reserved facade I could tell he was excited too. The sonographer came in and just as routinely as she had checked for eggs in the past, she checked for a baby. She started with my ovaries, to see from which one I had ovulated and to make sure that the pregnancy wasn't in the ovary. She made an exciting discovery, that rightie, my champ, had released not one! but two!! eggs! I probably looked like someone who had just been shocked, or someone having a seizure...I was so excited and said "could there be two babies!!!!????!!!" I think I may have screamed too. (twins would be so fun, and ever since I was a nanny for the Milkies, I've secretly wanted a set:) She then moved on to my tubes to check them too since I have a partial blockage. It was all clear. She then moved to the uterus! It took her a while to see anything, because I was so, ahem, bloated...the screen literally looked like we were watching a storm report or something! It was kind of embarrassing (labor!), and Thomas was laughing at me, but I didn't care :) She spotted the baby and it's flickering little self lit up the dark screen! She confirmed that it was just one....which I was okay with ;) She zoomed in and let us hear the heartbeat. I got all teary, and though I was still in disbelief that all of this was taking place, it was so extremely amazing! Her remarks on the baby were that it was measuring a good size for its gestational age and that its heartbeat was ideal too at 112! We were so happy and thankful! (Thomas BTW, has already named the baby, Sir Buddy Ham (yes that's a boy name), and assures me that the baby will be born on his birthday in august)

 baby ham...

Alma and I...and cookies (not pictured)

At the end of our appointment we met up with Alma in the hallway so that we could give her the cookies I made her. She was so excited and wanted to see the picture that Deanna had given us. She was ecstatic and couldn't stop hugging me! She said "I knew this would be our year!" Mid embrace, I glanced over and noticed another couple checking out at the nurses desk, getting their instructions for the next cycle. I know that they overheard our conversation and my heart just sank and broke for them, and especially for her. I can imagine just how she felt. In Fontana, the waiting rooms for the infertility department and the ob ultrasounds are shared, meaning there is only one and the parade of pregnant women with beautiful round belly's is never ending. I can't tell you how many times I sat there, waiting for my appointment, by myself, listening to excited couples calling family and friends to tell them "it's a boy". It was devastating and so painful at times, and sometimes I could hardly make it into my appointment or to the elevator without breaking down. I hope that she was a stronger person than I had been, and that they were able to find hope in the situation...and that this will be their year too!

I had been waiting until we heard the heartbeat to tell the rest of our family, though I know it seems a little backwards. I just thought it would be more exciting for them. It was! It was so beautiful to hear my grandparents and aunts and dear friends reactions! The day felt so amazing and as the day went on and the news spread all over, I just felt more and more overwhelmed, overwhelmed in a way I don't think I had ever experienced. I was overwhelmed by my own excitement, everyone elses excitement and love for us and the baby, and just completely overwhelmed with joy. It was so geat.

Later that day we went to Stone to celebrate (compliments of Thomas Ham)...I didn't really have an appetite, but I did have some very delicious tea.

Embryo!

January 13th 2010
I was really nervous about how to tell my MIL. I know that she likes puzzles so I wanted to make her one. I did, and it was really cute, and I think she liked it. We celebrated by going out to lunch to our favorite little sushi place...it was a bit of a bummer having to eat "cooked" sushi (which by the way, is totally fishy and disgusting, but I'll take what I can get) or tempura rolls...but it's so worth it! My FIL met us there too, we had such a great afternoon and I could tell they were so excited! Later we went to Henry's together and went shopping for lots of fruits and veggies!

Later on I went over to the Simpson house to hang out. Hannah and I decided on Sunday that we would be penpals. I told her that I had a secret, but that I had to wait to tell her. I asked her if she was curious about what the secret was, she said "Yeah, but I can wait till my next clue next week". Man, that was not the answer I wanted to hear! What's with these patient kids these days? A couple hours later I asked her again. She accepted this time and I whispered my little secret in her ear. Her face lit up, her eyes as wide as her mouth. She started giggling right away. We could tell that James felt a little left out, and keeping in the spirit of having no reservations about these kinds of things, we told him too! He immediately looked at my belly and smiled. By this time Lauren had noticed that we were sharing secrets and wanted to know too! I wouldn't tell her, and none of the kids would either. We were all laughing and I'm sure she felt like the monkey in the middle. Finally Hannah told her by whispering our secret in her ear. Lauren got the most surprised look on her face and gasped...then she cried and we hugged...it was so special. Later that day when Jason got home Lauren asked the kids to tell him the secret. Hannah was being shy so we begged James to do it. He blurted out "I have a baby in my belly!" It was so cute.

GRAND parents

January 12th 2010
Today was the day that I told my mom and dad, not intentionally, but they found out nonetheless. I had these grand ideas to tell them in some unique way, like having us all go to a restaurant and having the waiter/waitress slip a picture of the baby into the menus or somehting. It's silly but they would have been pretty surprised. My dad called me that day to see about an eye appointment I had had a day or so earlier. He ended up asking me if I had started my cycle yet (I know, I know, my family is so into "tmi"), I guess my mom "keeps track" of them and knew I was late, and had made reference to that fact daily for the last two and a half weeks. I tried to tell a little lie at first, but when I heard the disappointment in his voice I just blurted it out. He didn't believe me at first! He cried and said a little prayer and thanked God. It was so beautiful. He recommended that I tell my mom, so I did.


Mom finds out! from Maria Ham on Vimeo.


(I'm not sure if you'll be able to hear the entire conversation, I couldn't really predict if she was going to stay in the bathroom or not, but it's pretty funny, and proof that my nazi mom tracks my cycles, and that sweet look at the end, well it just gets me every time!)

Milk and Cookies

January 11th 2010
Monday was the day I had been waiting for. My RE's office would be open, I could call Alma and tell her the good news, and hopefully get an appointment to see our little Ham-bean. I dreamed all weekend of telling her. I've known Alma for two years now, and she is the sweetest little hispanic nurse lady I know. She always calls me "Meesess. Haaammm" and always said that when/if I got pregnant she would cry and be so excited that we would have cookies and milk together on my first appointment and that she wanted to come to my baby shower! I just love Alma so much. I called her around noon that day and she picked up right away. Back in October when we finished our 5th cycle of clomid, I had told her that we were going to be taking a break for the holidays (really the Nativity fast) and that I would call her in January to (hopefully) start again. She greeted me with the usual "Hiiiiiiiii Meesess Haaammm" and then asked how my holidays were, I said they were just fine and asked her too. She asked me what she could do for me. I said "I don't know, what do you do for pregnant people?" She got really excited, said "Oh my gosh" and "I'm so happy" about a million times. She cried too (everyone's been crying?) and said "I told you you'd be pregnant by Mother's day!" We then got down to business and discussed who would bring the cookies and who would bring the milk.
Alma calculated that I was 5 1/2 weeks when I found out, and that on the next monday, when I would come in for my first appointment I would be 6 1/2 weeks!

Keep it like a secret

January 10th 2010
A beautiful portion of my day was spent with this special little lady. As we always do right before the dismissal, we carry on a lengthy in-depth conversation about everything and nothing at all. We touched on Disneyland, sewing lessons, a friend with a sewing kit, Gwen and many other things, and a "friend with a sewing kit" fifty more times. I talked to Hannah about being pen-pals and told her that I had a secret. She was pretty intrigued by said secret and wanted to know right away. I told her I would tell her in a few weeks, but that until then, I would send her letters with hints and clues. She was so excited, and so was I!

Secrecy and Proclamation

January 9th 2010

I know that quite a number of people believe that a woman should wait until the 3 month mark to make an announcement about her pregnancy. Jewish people actually have rules about that sort of thing! Being neither Jewish, nor particularly hushed in nature, our secret lasted all of 4 seconds. I had originally intended to wait until the "12" week mark before making any announcements, becuase it just seems safer than telling eveyone right away. My little sister was the next to know, and only because she had long ago threatened to never speak to me again if I told anyone before her, in the event of a pregnancy occurring. She doesn't know about Rachael :) So I called her Saturday night and asked her to come over for tea. Besides, my little secret was just eating me away and I had to tell someone before all of my teeth fell out (I immagine that's what would happen to a person who kept a secret of that magnitude for far too long) I ended up having to convince/bribe her to come over (she was spending time with her boyfriend) and she noticed the excitement/urgency in my voice. She guessed right away and cried right away too. She surprised me with flowers and we had a fun evening together with our new dishes, some pizza, and a spinach salad.

Two lines

January 8th 2010

I had decided a few days earlier that since I was coming close to the 40 day mark in my cycle, that it was probably about time to call for some provera so that I could begin a new cycle. I knew that one of the first questions that Alma (my infertility/endocrinology RN) would ask was "are you pregnant?" It's a routine question and I've been asked before, so this time I wanted to save her the guess work and take a test to confirm that I wasn't, so that she could put in the order for the medication without me making a trip out to Fontana. So, after I left the Clarks that night, and on my way over to my in-laws, I stopped by the dollar tree to pick up a puzzle and a test. I thought it unwise to spend $8-12 on another fancy negative test!

Thomas and I went out to Applebee's that night and got boca burgers and beer and strawberry lemonade, it was pretty yummy and Rachael met us there since she was staying the night. When we got home, I picked up a little and then snuck into our room to take the test that I had inconspicuously shoved into my purse. I didn't want Thomas to know that I had bought "another" pregnancy test...after two years he's a little touchy about me bringing them home. I pulled out a paper cup from my secret under-the-sink stash (because you need those for the dollar store kind), filled it up and then routinely put "4 drops into the round well", and began to walk away, thinking I would go do some more tidying and then come back to confirm that a faint line didn't appear before the 10 minute mark. I fully expected to toss it away, but before I could even set it down on our vanity, there was already a second dark(!) purple line appearing! It was pretty instantaneous. !!And at 9:30 pm thank you very much!! I called for Thomas and met him in the hallway. I was already crying and my entire body was shaking. He saw the little test and hugged me so tight! Rachael peeked her head out of the guest room and knew exactly what was going on. She cried too and gave me a sweet little hug.

I ran to our altar and fell down before the icon of our Lady and of our Lord and thanked God for being given a gift that I was/am so completely undeserving of. I put a little string that had been placed on this, on (After doing three 40 day periods with it, I just laid it neatly in front of the icon of St.Elizabeth and the Theotokos) and anointed my belly with the myrrh from this icon of our Lady. Thomas was pretty tired so he went to bed shortly after all the excitement died down. I spent the next hour printing up this and this. Thomas called me a little while later and asked if I could come to bed. So I did...and we preyed those prayers, and we cuddled and just before I fell asleep he whispered "thank you for making me such a special gift".  It was really cute, and so amazing...it just might have been the best night ever.